My Mother Died

ma3

 

 

People who truly know me also know the relationship that I have had with my Mother. It has been a long hard road.

My Mother had me when she was 18 years old. She had married my father at the age of 17 and I was born a year later. My mother has issues. My Mother was also adopted. She was almost 4 years old when she came to live with my Grandparents. We do not know where she came from or what happened to her before she came to live with Grandma and Grandpa. There may have been something there that had already molded her into the person she was to become.

My Mother left when I was 3 months old. I lived with my Grandparents until the divorce was final and then I went to live with my Father. It was unheard of for a single man to get custody of a child in the 50’s. I have no details but I heard people say that my Mother was unfit.

My Father remarried and I had a very caring Step Mother.

My Grandparents had visitation and I would spend every other weekend with them. My Mother was” unavailable”.I would hear her name now and then but I had no idea who she was or what she was like. Finally when I was four years old I got to meet her face to face for the first time. There were no hugs. She barely spoke. My Grandparents told her that she should do something with me. She took me outside and pulled me around on the back on a sleigh. She never spoke a word. So began what was to be one of the most defining relationships in my life. Her and I on our maiden journey one snowy night so long ago.

There is no reason to go into all of it, but there were many difficult times that followed. I was on the outside looking in.  I tried to look out for my sisters. Eventually they both ended up living with me. I had my own issues with drug and alcohol abuse and none of it was perfect. I tried to do the best I could and I am sure in her mind she thought she was doing the same. I cannot stand in judgement of her or anyone else because I have to look at myself in the mirror every day.

Eight years ago there was an event that changed the dynamics of our family.My Mother and several other members of my family were on the other side of the fence and she made the decision to stop associating with me.It was a very painful time in my life. I had to learn to grieve people who were still living. Not an easy process but I learned a lot about myself.

Years passed. Life went on. I forgave my Mother in my heart and moved on.

I have been a Christian all of my life. I am a poor example  and I am sure that God has been watching me shaking his head many times. My actions and language are not always pleasing to Him and I know it. He convicts me on a regular bascis and I know he forgives me. The whole free will thing can truly cause me to wander. Over the years away, from my Mother I sought counsel for feelings that I had about the situation. I am thankful for all who listened , prayed, listened, gave advice and listened.

Late last year we found out that my Mother had terminal cancer. I knew that I could not let my sister Sharon take this on by herself. Through our whole crazy life Sharon and I have always stuck together. I love her more than I can say

.I heard someone speaking about forgiveness without limits and I made the decision to go back to my Mother. To place myself back in her life. There would no longer be limits on my forgiveness. I went to her because I knew in my heart that she would never be able to come to me. She couldn’t, but I could.

So at the age of 65 I began a journey with my 84 year old Mother. I made her bed, I did her laundry, I took her shopping and out to lunch. She took my hand one day and thanked me for coming back. She told me she felt bad that she had not spent time with me. I told her it was OK . We couldn’t go back, we could only go forward. I love you. Words that we never shared meant so much to both of us. I told her that some day, her and I would have a relationship in Heaven. That had always been my heart’s desire. She told me that everything was going to be OK.

I saw her Thursday for a couple hours. It was a social call. Just her and I hanging out.She was tired it had been a long day. I told her I would call her tomorrow. I said goodbye.

I called her Friday evening but there was no answer. I figured she was sleeping. Saturday my sister went to check on her and she was gone. Just like that, on a warm July day, our journey ended. Her Bible was laying at the foot of her chair. I know I will see her again. We will have that second chance. I miss her. I love you Ma.


7 thoughts on “My Mother Died

  1. Dearest Kate,
    You are such a special person in so many ways that I’m sure if God is shaking his head it’s in wonder of the beautiful person he created. You amaze me that all you have been through in your life you are such a happy and loving individual. Your journey with your mom is not over, just taking a break. I love you my friend. Wanda

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  2. I respect you so much! So glad our paths crossed and you became my soul sister. Wish we lived closer so we could see each other more often. “Jake” and I love you and the rest of the family so much…. I am happy you made peace with your mother, you are an amazing woman. Thank you for accepting me and my kiddos into your family. I am so sorry for your loss… Love, Lisa and kids. ❤❤

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  3. Kate , I am so proud of you! You inspire me! Thank you for sharing your story. You are a great person and friend, I am so glad that god put us together like he did . I love your heart ❤️ I am so sorry for your loss, May she rest in peace . Love Your friend Faith

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  4. My dear friend…. I have known you for many years and your life has been chaotic to say the least! I am so glad that you decided to go to your Mother and try to make amends. Knowing that you forgave her and went to her will give you the peace you need now. I’m sure your mother will be waiting with open arms to greet you when you meet her in Heaven. Until then, know you did the right thing and go on with a light heart!. You have won your fight with drug and alcohol abuse…. you are one strong lady ! Continue to enjoy your life with your great sense of humor and all your family and friends that love you very much!! You are wonderful example for all of us. I wish you happiness for the rest of your life!

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  5. Kate that was so beautiful. Made me cry..all things come together when we put our lives in our Lord’s hands..to know she had peace in her soul, in her heart, when she left this Earth is so very precious. You are beautiful Kate and I am so proud to call you my friend! LOVE always wins !

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