People who truly know me also know the relationship that I have had with my Mother. It has been a long hard road.
My Mother had me when she was 18 years old. She had married my father at the age of 17 and I was born a year later. My mother has issues. My Mother was also adopted. She was almost 4 years old when she came to live with my Grandparents. We do not know where she came from or what happened to her before she came to live with Grandma and Grandpa. There may have been something there that had already molded her into the person she was to become.
My Mother left when I was 3 months old. I lived with my Grandparents until the divorce was final and then I went to live with my Father. It was unheard of for a single man to get custody of a child in the 50’s. I have no details but I heard people say that my Mother was unfit.
My Father remarried and I had a very caring Step Mother.
My Grandparents had visitation and I would spend every other weekend with them. My Mother was” unavailable”.I would hear her name now and then but I had no idea who she was or what she was like. Finally when I was four years old I got to meet her face to face for the first time. There were no hugs. She barely spoke. My Grandparents told her that she should do something with me. She took me outside and pulled me around on the back on a sleigh. She never spoke a word. So began what was to be one of the most defining relationships in my life. Her and I on our maiden journey one snowy night so long ago.
There is no reason to go into all of it, but there were many difficult times that followed. I was on the outside looking in. I tried to look out for my sisters. Eventually they both ended up living with me. I had my own issues with drug and alcohol abuse and none of it was perfect. I tried to do the best I could and I am sure in her mind she thought she was doing the same. I cannot stand in judgement of her or anyone else because I have to look at myself in the mirror every day.
Eight years ago there was an event that changed the dynamics of our family.My Mother and several other members of my family were on the other side of the fence and she made the decision to stop associating with me.It was a very painful time in my life. I had to learn to grieve people who were still living. Not an easy process but I learned a lot about myself.
Years passed. Life went on. I forgave my Mother in my heart and moved on.
I have been a Christian all of my life. I am a poor example and I am sure that God has been watching me shaking his head many times. My actions and language are not always pleasing to Him and I know it. He convicts me on a regular bascis and I know he forgives me. The whole free will thing can truly cause me to wander. Over the years away, from my Mother I sought counsel for feelings that I had about the situation. I am thankful for all who listened , prayed, listened, gave advice and listened.
Late last year we found out that my Mother had terminal cancer. I knew that I could not let my sister Sharon take this on by herself. Through our whole crazy life Sharon and I have always stuck together. I love her more than I can say
.I heard someone speaking about forgiveness without limits and I made the decision to go back to my Mother. To place myself back in her life. There would no longer be limits on my forgiveness. I went to her because I knew in my heart that she would never be able to come to me. She couldn’t, but I could.
So at the age of 65 I began a journey with my 84 year old Mother. I made her bed, I did her laundry, I took her shopping and out to lunch. She took my hand one day and thanked me for coming back. She told me she felt bad that she had not spent time with me. I told her it was OK . We couldn’t go back, we could only go forward. I love you. Words that we never shared meant so much to both of us. I told her that some day, her and I would have a relationship in Heaven. That had always been my heart’s desire. She told me that everything was going to be OK.
I saw her Thursday for a couple hours. It was a social call. Just her and I hanging out.She was tired it had been a long day. I told her I would call her tomorrow. I said goodbye.
I called her Friday evening but there was no answer. I figured she was sleeping. Saturday my sister went to check on her and she was gone. Just like that, on a warm July day, our journey ended. Her Bible was laying at the foot of her chair. I know I will see her again. We will have that second chance. I miss her. I love you Ma.